Ingrained Behavior vs. Being Better | Part 1 | Control
- kedonohoe9
- Feb 17, 2023
- 3 min read
Something I've devoted to learning more about and growing from - is how deeply things have been ingrained in each person throughout their life. I spend most of that pondering on myself; my actions and reactions - but it's also helped me adapt more to others in general.
I was born and raised in a big city (Chicago) - but in a tight neighborhood community. My mother was a control freak and my father super, super chill - but it suited their marriage and family. Being such opposites cemented their relationship and I believe taught them the art of compromise and the ability to navigate any differences they had.
They both believed in freedom of speech; equality and diversity. They both taught their children to think for themselves; have respect for others and always speak up for yourself or anyone you thought needed help doing so.
They stressed in us the importance of family, friends and community. Racism was not tolerated in our home (one of my pop's closest friends was a black man) and my parents never shied away from a discussion surrounding that topic. I remember once - when I was about 10 - sitting in the backyard at a family function. One of my Uncle's used the N word. I was sitting on my Pop's lounge chair and my eyes got wide as I looked at him. I said, "Uncle - that is a TERRIBLE word and you aren't allowed to ever use that!". He didn't look at me - instead looked at my dad and said - "you ought to shut that kid up before I do". My pops got up so fast from his chair that I actually fell to the ground. He stood over my sitting uncle, got right in his face and said, "don't ever talk about my KID that way again. She can say what she wants and she's right. Don't ever use that language in front of me or my family again you racist son of a bitch". With that he turned, said we're going and yelled at my mother and siblings to get the hell out of there.
It was a shock! My mild-mannered father - who NEVER raised his voice, never said anything to cause or create conflict had stood up to my moms brother and then stormed out - swearing under his breath until we got to the car. I'd never heard him speak like that. "M'F'er son of a bitch, racist GD pig - I always f'in hated him that MF SOB. I'd like to slap that F'in face and then then stomp on it". I was terrified and thrilled at the same time. Who IS this man?? Where did he learn those things?? Did he even know how to fight?? He wears tube socks with sandals and has suspenders on his denim cut-off shorts. I mean it was a lot to comprehend.
He & I stood by the car and he knelt down to my level. He took both my hands in his and apologized for swearing and saying those things. I remember he said something like - "I lost control and I shouldn't have. I just got very angry and I let my anger and disappointment in him get the better of me. But, he shouldn't have said it - not only in front of us - in any place. That's not how we talk about others. It's not what we believe and never should be something we accept. EVER!"
I looked at him, as my mother and siblings were rushing towards us screaming WHAT HAPPENED and I squeezed his hand and said thank you daddy - I understand.
That car ride home was rough, my mother was crying, my siblings were sitting in disbelief in the backseat but I was smiling. Sitting in the front seat between my mom and Pops - I couldn't shake how lucky I was to be the one that got to see that. I knew that I had learned an amazing lesson that day and it was something that I'd never forget.
My Pops had taught me to speak my mind - whether it's the right time or place to do that. He taught me to not be afraid to try to correct someone else. But he also taught me control. How you must control your actions; control your words; control your response. That had stayed within my conscience core for so very long. It was ingrained in me. It became part of my moral compass.
And that's also the day I also started using M'F SoB...
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